a broken heart

Ever since I was a little girl I have dreamed of being a mother.
I can remember thinking up names for at least six of my children, my husband could have say in the other six.
People would ask,"so how many kids do you want," my response..."you know the movie Cheaper by the Dozen? Yeah, that's my dream!"
When missions came in to my life the dream changed a little. Now I wanted my own and to adopt about a zillion little African babies as well. 
I drive by old farm houses and I day dream about what it would be like to fill those rooms with laughing children.

On Wednesday, September 11, my world was forever changed.

I sat in the sterile, cold room waiting for the doctor to come in. 
With every tick of the clock the knots in my stomach grew tighter.

She pulled up on her stool beside me, trying to be helpful by allowing me to see the report as well...as if I could understand what all the abbreviations and numbers meant! 
She talked me through all the different things and told me that all my numbers looked good.

"Now this next one is your FSH." okay, I thought.
"This number, for a woman your age, should be around 12."
Okay, what's my number?
"87."
HUH?!
"That is a number consistent of a woman post menopause. I am so sorry."

In the matter of two minutes, my dreams of pregnancy, coco, blue eyed babies ...were gone.

I managed to get out of the office and to my car before the tears could no longer be held back.
My mom was texting me for the report...I couldn't do it...
My heart hurt and the lump in my throat wouldn't allow me to speak even if I wanted to.

I spent the rest of the day wondering... Is there anything I could have done? Where did this come from? What does this mean for me and having a family one day? 

Then the reality set in.
There is nothing I could have done, my body is what my body is and the Lord knew long before that this was how my body is...and that wont stop Him from doing what He wants to do.
Who knows where this came from! And honestly it doesn't matter!
I have a family who loves me and will be excited to see me adopt and foster as many children as I can!
And I keep telling myself- Sarah was 90 and barren and look what the Lord did in her!

Then the biggest and most wonderful reality set in...
I am already a "mom" and I adopt more "children" all the time!
I have teenagers all over the country that I have taken charge of, gone on adventures with and love with a deep motherly love.
I have "raised" preschoolers and set them up for great success in life.
I have cared for so many children and young people through out time, that honestly I have more "children" than probably just about anyone I know :)
And that makes my heart overwhelmed with joy and happiness.

I am still grieving and probably will even more so when a husband is in my sight, I mean I am an emotional woman and that's just how it is...but I am confident and eager for the Lord's plan of motherhood for me.

1 Samuel 1
11 And she made this vow: “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime27 I asked the Lord to give me this boy, and he has granted my request. 28 Now I am giving him to the Lord, and he will belong to the Lord his whole life.” And they[j] worshiped the Lord there.

Genesis
21 The Lord kept his word and did for Sarah exactly what he had promised. 2 She became pregnant, and she gave birth to a son for Abraham in his old age. This happened at just the time God had said it would. 3 And Abraham named their son Isaac.

Barbies, Bikes and Best Friends

In our lives there are many friends who come and go.
Some are childhood friends, the ones that we go to all the birthday parties and sleepovers with...but once graduation day passes, so does the friendship.
There are the college friends who are pursuing the same thing as you but moving out of the dorm proves more difficult to maintain the relationship.
The work friend is there to help you get through the day but outside of the concrete jungle there isn't necessarily a soul connection.
As the changes of life come so do the changes in friendships.

Fortunately for me there is a friend who has been there through it all...she has seen me at my highest points, laughed at me in my awkward moments, gotten mad when injustices were placed upon me, and walked with me through the dark and lonely valleys. 
She is no ordinary friend.  In fact it took several years and a lot maturing for our friendship to become solid.
She has been with me for every birthday, even the ones where I wanted nothing to do with "happy cupcake."
She watched and cheered for me through soccer games and graduation days.
She laughed at me when I just knew my world was over with my first speeding ticket.
We would swing in the backyard, ride our bikes, play softball and sled together.
As we have grown older, I have been blessed by having conversations with her that help me process and grow into a more mature woman.
I see her with her children and I see a mom that loves unconditionally and works hard to bless her family in any way possible.
I have gone through rough times with this friend...breakups, fights, death...I have gone through incredible times with her as well...births, weddings, holidays...
Most days I would prefer to sit on her couch, playing cards- watching a movie- laughing until we cry.  
I love all of my friends, but if I am being honest, she is by far my favorite. 
As I said earlier...she is no ordinary friend...for she is not only my best friend but my sister.
It is true what they say, fate made us sisters but we chose to be friends. (even if it did take 20 years :)

So, dear sister, as you read this I want you to know that you bless me more than you know.
There is no one on this earth that I would rather call sister.

Happy birthday to my sister...my best friend.

storm waves and sunshine rays

The other day I was brought to tears.  Tears of pain and frustration. Tears that I couldn't push back because to be completely honest, I didn't want to.

This seems to happen every now and again. I get an overwhelming wave of sadness...not even sadness...straight up pity for myself.

I would like to blame it on someone or something. I would like to say that I have a chemical imbalance or that my "friend" is visiting.

However, the reality is I am just having a good, old fashion, immature pity party.  That's right...I will admit it...sometimes I am a big baby.

During one of my "my life sucks" moments, I had a divine inspiration. The Lord, in His amazing way, reminded me of some incredible things.

He reminded me that I have a family, though a little crazy, are healthy and love me. They may not pack my bags for all my insane adventures but they will at least do the airport runs.

He showed me the faces of all the teens that have passed through my life...the awe-inspiring times of worship I have had with them, the stories and memories that were made, the blessing of seeing each one of them minister in the unique way the Lord designed just for them.

He brought a smile to my face thinking of alllll of my friends that are LITERALLY all over the world.  From playing in the snow with my Canadians, Santa Land with the roomies in Texas, crazy dancing with my loves in Uganda, and so on and so on.

He comforted me in that all of my needs have been met...and even some of my wants.  I need a job, and even though it may not be the most amazing thing ever- I have a job that I do enjoy and work with people that I genuinely care about.  I have been able to get a "new" car and move out and be an "adult" once again.

Most of all He gently spoke to me through my frustration and reminded me that He has never once forgotten me or left me...He has been there through every storm wave and sunshine ray. 

After being reminded of all of those things and drying my tears, which were now tears of laughter, love and good memories, I made a decision. 

I do not care how I have to do it, but I am determined to live my life differently. I am determined to live my life in a positive way...an encouraging way...a filled with hope way...a joyful way.

I am determined to live my life in such a way that I will change the world...no matter how big or small my world may be at the time.

Rantings of a Cashier

I know you think that you and your time is more important than little ole me checking out your items...but please hang up your phone and recognize that I am human.

When the counter is full with your bags and there is still more to be bagged...PUT THE STUFF IN YOUR BUGGY...it's that easy.

As cute as your child is...it isn't cute for them to dictate to me where they want their things or how many bags to use because they want their own bag.

I am not ignorant or less than you because I am a cashier...I probably have more education than you.

Your wallet and money aren't going to magically appear as you watch me check you out...so get your stuff together before I am finished instead of taking another 5 minutes to pay.

Respect the person in front of you and wait your turn!

FYI I do know how to bag your items...just because you're picky doesn't mean I am stupid it means that you are anal.

Smile and say thank you...that is all I need.

Beautiful Things

Recently one of my favorite songs has become Michael Gungor's, Beautiful Things.

As I drove home tonight I played this song over and over again.

At first, I just listened to the words. I listened and wondered at the amazing things the Lord makes beautiful. And then it hit me.

He is making me beautiful, He is making me new.

I know this may not seem like a major revelation for you, but for me in the place I am in right now... this was a MAJOR concept for my heart to grasp.

As I received these words my heart began to open and my voice began to sing.

I have been struggling in this season of my life. I want to be doing something great...I want to be the beautiful flower. But how does the beautiful flower begin... in the ground, roots digging deep, being cared for by the Gardener.

I am in great anticipation and have great determination for this time in the dust...

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things out of us

You are making me new

30 while I am 30

On my 25th birthday I decided to make a list of "30 things before I am 30." This was a list of thirty things that I wanted to learn, do or accomplish before my 30th birthday. My wonderful roommates, Brenda and Trish, made me an amazing scrapbook to document each thing...also they helped me cross #1 off my list - ride an elephant :)

Since the inception of the list, I have only completed 3 things on the list...riding an elephant, go to Biltmore Estate (thanks Lisa :) and go to Disney World. What's crazy is that in 2 months (almost to the day) I will turn 30...yes, thirty-flirty and thriving!
So the other day it hit me...there is no way in two months that I can possibly complete the other 27 things on my list!!!! "Well what is left on your list,Rhonda?" you may ask...things such as learn another language, I still need to cross Asia off of my continents list, learn a passage of Scripture, learn to drive a stick shift...the list goes on and on.

I have made a decision...and I am trying to be okay with it...hahahaha...I am going to rewrite my list. It will be "30 while I am 30"...so in other words, I will make a list of thirty things that I want to accomplish over this next year of my life.

I am very excited for this...hope you are too :)

Stay tuned for the list...I will have it posted by my birthday (september 24th)

Also, feel free to comment and give ideas of what should be on my list!!!

...heres to some creative thinking, excuse me DREAMING....yay!!!!

did you know...

Did you know that...
magenta is my favorite color
mac n cheese is the greatest food in the world
I have to have sour cream with my chips and salsa...and I LOVE chips and salsa
I am 100% extroverted...so no shyness in me :)
reading is a great way to spend my time
traveling is a true joy that I have
teaching is my passion
my niece is the cutest little girl EVER
my nephews will one day think I am cool (I hope)
the book of Hebrews is my favorite book of the Bible
Survivor is the most intriguing show (in my opinion)
I would really like to do The Amazing Race show one day...except for the food part
I am convinced that hell is only 3 degrees hotter than Texas
I have met many amazing people on my world travels...friends and young people I will never forget
I think 4 and 5 year olds are some of the coolest people ever...if you disagree you should teach them for a few years...there is NEVER a dull moment!
I am very thankful for my family
my family can drive me crazy faster than any other people on the face of the earth!
I miss playing the piano...and softball...I miss being a kid (sometimes)
I am not sure where my life is going...but I am enjoying the journey :)