Ever since I was a little girl I have dreamed of being a mother.
I can remember thinking up names for at least six of my children, my husband could have say in the other six.
People would ask,"so how many kids do you want," my response..."you know the movie Cheaper by the Dozen? Yeah, that's my dream!"
When missions came in to my life the dream changed a little. Now I wanted my own and to adopt about a zillion little African babies as well.
I drive by old farm houses and I day dream about what it would be like to fill those rooms with laughing children.
On Wednesday, September 11, my world was forever changed.
I sat in the sterile, cold room waiting for the doctor to come in.
With every tick of the clock the knots in my stomach grew tighter.
She pulled up on her stool beside me, trying to be helpful by allowing me to see the report as well...as if I could understand what all the abbreviations and numbers meant!
She talked me through all the different things and told me that all my numbers looked good.
"Now this next one is your FSH." okay, I thought.
"This number, for a woman your age, should be around 12."
Okay, what's my number?
"87."
HUH?!
"That is a number consistent of a woman post menopause. I am so sorry."
In the matter of two minutes, my dreams of pregnancy, coco, blue eyed babies ...were gone.
I managed to get out of the office and to my car before the tears could no longer be held back.
My mom was texting me for the report...I couldn't do it...
My heart hurt and the lump in my throat wouldn't allow me to speak even if I wanted to.
I spent the rest of the day wondering... Is there anything I could have done? Where did this come from? What does this mean for me and having a family one day?
Then the reality set in.
There is nothing I could have done, my body is what my body is and the Lord knew long before that this was how my body is...and that wont stop Him from doing what He wants to do.
Who knows where this came from! And honestly it doesn't matter!
I have a family who loves me and will be excited to see me adopt and foster as many children as I can!
And I keep telling myself- Sarah was 90 and barren and look what the Lord did in her!
Then the biggest and most wonderful reality set in...
I am already a "mom" and I adopt more "children" all the time!
I have teenagers all over the country that I have taken charge of, gone on adventures with and love with a deep motherly love.
I have "raised" preschoolers and set them up for great success in life.
I have cared for so many children and young people through out time, that honestly I have more "children" than probably just about anyone I know :)
And that makes my heart overwhelmed with joy and happiness.
I am still grieving and probably will even more so when a husband is in my sight, I mean I am an emotional woman and that's just how it is...but I am confident and eager for the Lord's plan of motherhood for me.
1 Samuel 1
11 And she made this vow: “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime27 I asked the Lord to give me this boy, and he has granted my request. 28 Now I am giving him to the Lord, and he will belong to the Lord his whole life.” And they[j] worshiped the Lord there.
Genesis
21 The Lord kept his word and did for Sarah exactly what he had promised. 2 She became pregnant, and she gave birth to a son for Abraham in his old age. This happened at just the time God had said it would. 3 And Abraham named their son Isaac.
I can remember thinking up names for at least six of my children, my husband could have say in the other six.
People would ask,"so how many kids do you want," my response..."you know the movie Cheaper by the Dozen? Yeah, that's my dream!"
When missions came in to my life the dream changed a little. Now I wanted my own and to adopt about a zillion little African babies as well.
I drive by old farm houses and I day dream about what it would be like to fill those rooms with laughing children.
On Wednesday, September 11, my world was forever changed.
I sat in the sterile, cold room waiting for the doctor to come in.
With every tick of the clock the knots in my stomach grew tighter.
She pulled up on her stool beside me, trying to be helpful by allowing me to see the report as well...as if I could understand what all the abbreviations and numbers meant!
She talked me through all the different things and told me that all my numbers looked good.
"Now this next one is your FSH." okay, I thought.
"This number, for a woman your age, should be around 12."
Okay, what's my number?
"87."
HUH?!
"That is a number consistent of a woman post menopause. I am so sorry."
In the matter of two minutes, my dreams of pregnancy, coco, blue eyed babies ...were gone.
I managed to get out of the office and to my car before the tears could no longer be held back.
My mom was texting me for the report...I couldn't do it...
My heart hurt and the lump in my throat wouldn't allow me to speak even if I wanted to.
I spent the rest of the day wondering... Is there anything I could have done? Where did this come from? What does this mean for me and having a family one day?
Then the reality set in.
There is nothing I could have done, my body is what my body is and the Lord knew long before that this was how my body is...and that wont stop Him from doing what He wants to do.
Who knows where this came from! And honestly it doesn't matter!
I have a family who loves me and will be excited to see me adopt and foster as many children as I can!
And I keep telling myself- Sarah was 90 and barren and look what the Lord did in her!
Then the biggest and most wonderful reality set in...
I am already a "mom" and I adopt more "children" all the time!
I have teenagers all over the country that I have taken charge of, gone on adventures with and love with a deep motherly love.
I have "raised" preschoolers and set them up for great success in life.
I have cared for so many children and young people through out time, that honestly I have more "children" than probably just about anyone I know :)
And that makes my heart overwhelmed with joy and happiness.
I am still grieving and probably will even more so when a husband is in my sight, I mean I am an emotional woman and that's just how it is...but I am confident and eager for the Lord's plan of motherhood for me.
1 Samuel 1
11 And she made this vow: “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime27 I asked the Lord to give me this boy, and he has granted my request. 28 Now I am giving him to the Lord, and he will belong to the Lord his whole life.” And they[j] worshiped the Lord there.
Genesis
21 The Lord kept his word and did for Sarah exactly what he had promised. 2 She became pregnant, and she gave birth to a son for Abraham in his old age. This happened at just the time God had said it would. 3 And Abraham named their son Isaac.
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