a broken heart

Ever since I was a little girl I have dreamed of being a mother.
I can remember thinking up names for at least six of my children, my husband could have say in the other six.
People would ask,"so how many kids do you want," my response..."you know the movie Cheaper by the Dozen? Yeah, that's my dream!"
When missions came in to my life the dream changed a little. Now I wanted my own and to adopt about a zillion little African babies as well. 
I drive by old farm houses and I day dream about what it would be like to fill those rooms with laughing children.

On Wednesday, September 11, my world was forever changed.

I sat in the sterile, cold room waiting for the doctor to come in. 
With every tick of the clock the knots in my stomach grew tighter.

She pulled up on her stool beside me, trying to be helpful by allowing me to see the report as well...as if I could understand what all the abbreviations and numbers meant! 
She talked me through all the different things and told me that all my numbers looked good.

"Now this next one is your FSH." okay, I thought.
"This number, for a woman your age, should be around 12."
Okay, what's my number?
"87."
HUH?!
"That is a number consistent of a woman post menopause. I am so sorry."

In the matter of two minutes, my dreams of pregnancy, coco, blue eyed babies ...were gone.

I managed to get out of the office and to my car before the tears could no longer be held back.
My mom was texting me for the report...I couldn't do it...
My heart hurt and the lump in my throat wouldn't allow me to speak even if I wanted to.

I spent the rest of the day wondering... Is there anything I could have done? Where did this come from? What does this mean for me and having a family one day? 

Then the reality set in.
There is nothing I could have done, my body is what my body is and the Lord knew long before that this was how my body is...and that wont stop Him from doing what He wants to do.
Who knows where this came from! And honestly it doesn't matter!
I have a family who loves me and will be excited to see me adopt and foster as many children as I can!
And I keep telling myself- Sarah was 90 and barren and look what the Lord did in her!

Then the biggest and most wonderful reality set in...
I am already a "mom" and I adopt more "children" all the time!
I have teenagers all over the country that I have taken charge of, gone on adventures with and love with a deep motherly love.
I have "raised" preschoolers and set them up for great success in life.
I have cared for so many children and young people through out time, that honestly I have more "children" than probably just about anyone I know :)
And that makes my heart overwhelmed with joy and happiness.

I am still grieving and probably will even more so when a husband is in my sight, I mean I am an emotional woman and that's just how it is...but I am confident and eager for the Lord's plan of motherhood for me.

1 Samuel 1
11 And she made this vow: “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime27 I asked the Lord to give me this boy, and he has granted my request. 28 Now I am giving him to the Lord, and he will belong to the Lord his whole life.” And they[j] worshiped the Lord there.

Genesis
21 The Lord kept his word and did for Sarah exactly what he had promised. 2 She became pregnant, and she gave birth to a son for Abraham in his old age. This happened at just the time God had said it would. 3 And Abraham named their son Isaac.

Barbies, Bikes and Best Friends

In our lives there are many friends who come and go.
Some are childhood friends, the ones that we go to all the birthday parties and sleepovers with...but once graduation day passes, so does the friendship.
There are the college friends who are pursuing the same thing as you but moving out of the dorm proves more difficult to maintain the relationship.
The work friend is there to help you get through the day but outside of the concrete jungle there isn't necessarily a soul connection.
As the changes of life come so do the changes in friendships.

Fortunately for me there is a friend who has been there through it all...she has seen me at my highest points, laughed at me in my awkward moments, gotten mad when injustices were placed upon me, and walked with me through the dark and lonely valleys. 
She is no ordinary friend.  In fact it took several years and a lot maturing for our friendship to become solid.
She has been with me for every birthday, even the ones where I wanted nothing to do with "happy cupcake."
She watched and cheered for me through soccer games and graduation days.
She laughed at me when I just knew my world was over with my first speeding ticket.
We would swing in the backyard, ride our bikes, play softball and sled together.
As we have grown older, I have been blessed by having conversations with her that help me process and grow into a more mature woman.
I see her with her children and I see a mom that loves unconditionally and works hard to bless her family in any way possible.
I have gone through rough times with this friend...breakups, fights, death...I have gone through incredible times with her as well...births, weddings, holidays...
Most days I would prefer to sit on her couch, playing cards- watching a movie- laughing until we cry.  
I love all of my friends, but if I am being honest, she is by far my favorite. 
As I said earlier...she is no ordinary friend...for she is not only my best friend but my sister.
It is true what they say, fate made us sisters but we chose to be friends. (even if it did take 20 years :)

So, dear sister, as you read this I want you to know that you bless me more than you know.
There is no one on this earth that I would rather call sister.

Happy birthday to my sister...my best friend.

storm waves and sunshine rays

The other day I was brought to tears.  Tears of pain and frustration. Tears that I couldn't push back because to be completely honest, I didn't want to.

This seems to happen every now and again. I get an overwhelming wave of sadness...not even sadness...straight up pity for myself.

I would like to blame it on someone or something. I would like to say that I have a chemical imbalance or that my "friend" is visiting.

However, the reality is I am just having a good, old fashion, immature pity party.  That's right...I will admit it...sometimes I am a big baby.

During one of my "my life sucks" moments, I had a divine inspiration. The Lord, in His amazing way, reminded me of some incredible things.

He reminded me that I have a family, though a little crazy, are healthy and love me. They may not pack my bags for all my insane adventures but they will at least do the airport runs.

He showed me the faces of all the teens that have passed through my life...the awe-inspiring times of worship I have had with them, the stories and memories that were made, the blessing of seeing each one of them minister in the unique way the Lord designed just for them.

He brought a smile to my face thinking of alllll of my friends that are LITERALLY all over the world.  From playing in the snow with my Canadians, Santa Land with the roomies in Texas, crazy dancing with my loves in Uganda, and so on and so on.

He comforted me in that all of my needs have been met...and even some of my wants.  I need a job, and even though it may not be the most amazing thing ever- I have a job that I do enjoy and work with people that I genuinely care about.  I have been able to get a "new" car and move out and be an "adult" once again.

Most of all He gently spoke to me through my frustration and reminded me that He has never once forgotten me or left me...He has been there through every storm wave and sunshine ray. 

After being reminded of all of those things and drying my tears, which were now tears of laughter, love and good memories, I made a decision. 

I do not care how I have to do it, but I am determined to live my life differently. I am determined to live my life in a positive way...an encouraging way...a filled with hope way...a joyful way.

I am determined to live my life in such a way that I will change the world...no matter how big or small my world may be at the time.